I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
