Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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