Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
