What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
