please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
