you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize