Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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