My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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