Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
