Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
