I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
