Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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