I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
