You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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