My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
