Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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