My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
