She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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