Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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