i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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