My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
