I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
