Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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