I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
