please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
