My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
