so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You can't special order awesome
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
