Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
