Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
