girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
