He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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