she smelled like a LAN party
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
