i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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