Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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