and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
we should paint friendship bongs
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize