Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
