the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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