watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
