i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
