last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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