I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
