I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
