I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
