you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
