the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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