dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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