Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
