i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
