Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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