just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
