i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
