I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
