Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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