If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
