She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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