No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
