he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
