when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
