But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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